Phillips Exeter Academy
Office of Eternal Prestige^™

20 Main Street, Exeter, NH 03833

Dear [Redacted for Privacy],

Congratulations! After a rigorous and not-at-all chaotic process involving psychic evaluations, an AI-generated essay score, and an interpretive dance video assessment by our esteemed and highly qualified admissions team (so our elite panel of ex–debate kids) we are thrilled to offer you admission to the Phillips Exeter Academy, where sleep is optional and non sibi is our whole personality. 

Your application stood out among the 37,591 others not only for its perfect grammar and disturbingly precocious vocabulary (I still don’t know what an em-dash even is), but also because your recommendation writer used the phrase “a young Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but make it STEM.” Our committee cried (let’s go with tears of joy). Then offered you a spot.

Here at Exeter, you’ll be immersed in the Harkness Method™, which is essentially the Hunger Games but make it an academic discussion disguised by an unnecessarily expensive monogrammed wooden table. You will speak in class. You will nod like you care what that one kid is saying, even though you’re just waiting for the right moment to drop the one good point you pulled from the three pages of reading you managed before passing out at 2 a.m. 

We’re confident you’ll thrive in our “collaborative” community. By the end of your first month, you’ll have made fun of Ewald, had a small identity crisis on the quad, and considered sending your first “hey, can we meet?” email to a teacher you swore you’d vibe with. If by midterms, you haven’t crashed out at least three times, cried in a random bathroom in the Academy building or threatened to delink from a class over a B+, are you even trying? And by finals, you will wish you had gone to office hours because now it’s time for the that very same teacher to write a comment for your parents (you fell asleep in class at least once a week)

Warm regards (with an air of condescending intellectual enthusiasm),

The Office of Admissions

Phillips Exeter Academy

P.S. The dorms are perpetually 80 degrees. The windows might open.  You’ll love it here!